Today

I know you readers aren't gonna get any of this, if there are any out there. Please disregard this. It's just me typing out into the void.
Today, I'm living.
And God, everything is so vivid, so wonderful, so scary. I'm on the edge of the cliff, on the rim of the next page, off to the other worlds, ready to explore.
I'm holding on tightly to the things I want, the things I need, the things I desire. The things I think and the things I love.
I'm letting go of the things I love.
Today I cried - no reason, no need. Just cried, and I realized how beautiful those tears were. A rush of emotion through my spine like mercury, rising as the heart heats up, a sudden solar flare in the star hidden inside my chest. Hell, I was listening to music (and no, it wasn't the music or maybe it was, fuck I don't know), and it just went snap. I just went snap.
It felt like mania, like madness, like sadness, and it felt good. Brilliant. Catharsis.
I don't want want anyone to read this, but I need to scream it, shout it. I don't know. I need to tell someone, but there's nobody I want to tell, there's nobody who could know. Faceless ones reading this, mindless circuits processing this, anyone, anything. I cupped tears in my hand today, and they were treasure for seconds, for an eternity in my seat.
Maybe I'm really mad, maybe I'm just making all this up to be myself, be unique. Fuck it. I don't really care. All I care about is right now, I feel divine. Mad. Maybe this is how God feels ALL the time. Is that heaven or hell?
This feels like the base. It feels like rock-bottom of no-reason, I've reached the edge of logic and looped into emotion. So many things have been happening, and I don't really care. I don't see where I'm going, and that's fine with me. I'm scared.
I'm happy.
And right now, I want to throw myself out of my window, I want to fly and I want to die. I want to feel as much as I can, I want my body to tingle, the soul screaming as it cries in exultation. I want to burn something, burn myself, consume and create, destroy and make.
I want to remember and live in the past. I want to kill the future. I want to live the future.
Be the future. Ghosts of old, my shades following me, my past lives flash across my head all calling me, hating me, envying me, shouting at me, crying for me, crying with me. Thank you.
I've touched my raw soul today, I think. If I can think now. This is the stuff stars are made of, not the balls of gas that we see in the sky, not the plastic with stick we see on assignments, not the stars that shine briefly and fade. These are the stars that live forever, in the brightness of their glow.
These stars don't fade, they echo. And scream.
God, I'm so happy right now. And I'm not even on drugs.
It must be madness.
I just want to strip my body of all my bones, float into the sky and ride with the birds, ride on the birds. I want to remember and forget everything in the world. I want to know all for that brief burning moment, and then go mad with ecstasy, explode into a billion stars that will never die. I want to love and cry at the same time. I want to watch myself die, and smile, not in spite or hatred, but in melancholy. Sweet, sweet melancholy that replaces the ambrosia of the Gods. I want people to read me and feel their heartstrings cut, released, so that their hearts float into the sea. I want to wind so tight that I'll snap in two, in three.
I'm done now. I've recovered from that wave. Logic and reason are back, thoughts for my future, for university, for scholarships and application and army and work tomorrow at 8.30am return.
Today, I'm living.