People have been asking me this question a lot recently, on why I choose to support strange subcultures that embrace morbid themes, such as the Gothic culture, or why my writing is always filled with darkness and madness. Well, the simple answer is simply that that's the way I like it. Now before I go on, please, PLEASE do realize that I'm not saying that my beliefs and views are "Better than yours" or anything stupid like that, or that I know the strange mystical ways of the world and have gained enlightenment. No, this is nothing more than an apologia for the way I am.
The way I see things, as pretentious as this may sound, is slightly different from other people. I subscribe to the belief that people with strong creative urges have an essential self-destructive tendency not only in the way with which they hurl themselves at their art, but also at the way in which they experience life. The world is commonly seen through different glasses, vastly unique to how most of society would view it. Now, again, I'm not saying this is better, or an enlightened view, it's just different, that's all. Most call it wierd, and strange. In my case, as a storyteller I tend to see the world in the view of a narrative, with its heroes and anti-heroes and its characters and plots. Noting the fact that I live half the time in a separate dream-realm created from the world I spin out from my mind, the reality in which I exist is constantly warped by the realities in which I live.
A story needs and wants many things, by existing it creates a sublime beauty. As such, I do see a sublime beauty in all aspects of life, no matter how painful it is. Show me the picture of war and destruction and I can see the wonder and awe in it, the madness of humanity in its drive for forwardness causing destruction to all about it, and eventually the erosion of the humanity it defines itself with. Show me a picture of a broken family, and I can see the complex sadness prevalent in human beings that are so close yet still so far apart, each a dizzyingly complicated mechanism that ensures its uniqueness, and thus its eventual loneliness amongst the other heart-machines that trundle about it. Yet I can also see the hope in it, the chance at the creation of one's own family -made up of friends, of trusted ones. I can see the love without respect, the madness existing in love, the wonderful whirlwind concoction of emotions that life brings. And that is wonderful, it is what I believe to be true beauty - the experience of life itself. The living in the story.
Yet, the way I view these things can be considered as self-destructive, that my mind's eye constantly strives to break down and subvert what it sees, choosing to believe and not believe in accordance to a law that I confess I do not understand. Maybe someone with much more experience in life than me would understand the forces that sway his thoughts, but from where I stand, life CAN easily be seen as bleak and despairing, it CAN be seen as a cruel joke.
And yes, it is a cruel joke. I believe in God, and I believe that life as he made it IS a cruel joke by the definitions of cruelty and of jokes that we humans give. Life does throw shit at us, knock us down and cut our rope. It allows us to climb the greatest heights before pushing us off just before the apex. The fickle entropy that governs our existence then is capable of governing our lives, if we choose to let it do so. And yet, we do not, as long as we continue to strive, as long as we do not fall into the pits of apathy and nihilism, we continue to live on against the odds. And that is the story that God has created, the ultimate narrative, the wonderful, beautiful tale.
So what does this have to do with my darkness and my morbid nature? Well, I choose not to reject the entropy of life, the cruelty of others, the sadness prevalent in our struggle. Instead, I choose to embrace it, as does the Goth subculture, of which although I would not say I fully follow, I do admire and at times take inspiration from. I look at sadness in the world, and I laugh at the cruel joke that is life. Because when you are laughing, life finds it much harder to be screwing you over. Have you noticed, the subcultures that embrace themes of death and melancholy often are also the most cheerful, in the most sincere manner? Blues lyrics are a prime example of this, its musicians singing about funerals with a wide smile on their faces. They are able to do so because they get the joke, and they see what's so funny. That we, insignificant, miniscule bags of flesh and bone walking about a lone planet amongst billions, taking up a space in the universe infinitely small, fording the river of time that we are not even able to conceive fully in our heads with a beginning and an end, that we motes of dust are living, against all odds, in a world so dark and bleak, and that's worth being cheerful about. That all the darkness around me is to be embraced, that I should not turn a blind eye to it, but rather look it in the face with a lopsided grin. And when the darkness takes me, when life gives me an unexpected right hook, I can appreciate the beauty of my fall, and the even greater awesomeness of my climbing back up.
I do not embrace darkness and madness in an attempt to be counter-cultural or any other bullshit like that, not to rebel against my parents or against society, although at times I find myself at odds with the majority of society's views. I do so because at heart, I know that the way I see things, it's either to laugh or to cry, and that it's actually okay to do both as long as I allow myself to be CAPABLE of doing both. As long as I do not ignore the beauties of sadness, nor become blind to the possibility of happiness, I find that I will tread this fine line, and be glad that I have done so. The true sin, in my eyes, is to give up, to say to myself, "I do not wish to feel anything any longer.". Because no matter how hard life gets, it's still beautiful, and although it may never get better... oh well. That's life. You grin, bear it, and keep on walking, keep on living - as long as I can see the beauty in that, I can see the beauty in life.
Though this may change in the future, as I experience more and more, I accept that. However, right here, right now, this is what I truly believe in.
a brokenness in my glass of wine,
makes it taste all the sweeter,
as shards cuts slits so fine
along my throat.
and the flaw in the gem,
the robe torn at the hem,
makes me laugh,
makes me cry.
at the madness,
the sadness,
and the match blown in the wind.
How beautiful, how wonderful, that we have stepped on the blank canvas.
Our muddy footprints as we keep the pace,
and a wry smile on God's face.
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